I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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