i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
