Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
ttyl tear gas
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
