So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
