I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
