The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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