Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
