Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Let's get the cat blown out
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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