Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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