On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
