Only a mothe r could love this liver
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
dude. I can hear the air.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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