I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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