At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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