this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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