Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
P.S. I can't hear my feet
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
