I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Randomize
