Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The 17 Most Horrible Things Said To Online Daters
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am