i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
