my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
