a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
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this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
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The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.