I CAN MOONWALK!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
