at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that