The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom