How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
