the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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