so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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