One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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