remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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