We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
