TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
