I want to make a zoo with you.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
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