So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
