I need to stop coming to work sober
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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