He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
