Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
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