Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
