his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
