u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
