I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
be right there i have to get my cape
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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