My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
