I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize
