So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
