Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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