i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
