Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
All I want is dick and wine.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
