tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
