Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
