We're facebook friends in real life
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
