Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
