My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
i think my cat just said my name.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
