Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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