I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
