so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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