She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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