Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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