Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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