god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
