Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
