I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Is it because I queefed?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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