Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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