I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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