its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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