Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
