I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
