I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
