Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
