remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
